*** SPOILERS AHEAD ***

I'll be very honest with you.

Years ago, I learned that when a movie has a mega-publicity campaign, it's for one reason. The studio has done its' homework. They've done market research. They know it won't sit well with the audience, and that it will fizzle soon.

Therefore, they have to minimize damage by making you believe that it's the "most awesome movie ever made" by watching the trailers, reading the billboards, seeing the reruns of parts 1, 2, 3, etc. on tv, re-releasing it on DVD with 3 more seconds of additional footage, etc.

The result: you (should I say "we"?) are then suckered into the theater like there's a vaccuum cleaner at the door on the first week. You see it. You then know it's lame. By the time you spread the word, it'll take a week or two and the movie then starts to limp thru box office returns. Then it hits the video and international market, and the income grows.

That's exactly the case with Spiderman 3.

This movie is lame. Period. There's no other way to put it.

At this point, I can hear you say  "Gasp! How dare you, Zort! The trailer looks awesome! You're a meanie!".

For starters, the movie doesn't make up its' mind whether it's an action movie, a musical, a "Gone with the Wind" remake where Rhett Buttler webslings in and out of the screen, or (heaven forbid!) a superhero flick. I think the cardinal rule movie that any writer/director should keep in mind is: "What movie do I want to make?" and then, you tell *that* story.

This has to be the first comic book hero film where everybody cries. Spiderman cries. Aunt May cries.  MJ cries. Sandman cries. Uncle Ben cries (in a flashback). Even Venom sheds a tear or two, because it suffers of an unhealthy a "Spidey Fixation". Maybe Venom is jealous because when the asteroid that carried him to Earth crashed near the spot where Parker and MJ were making out, Parker didn't pay attention to it. Or who knows? Maybe Venom was impressed at Spidey's suave moods as he was making out with his girlfriend on a spider web. *Insert Sexy Growl Here*

Does his 'spider web' count as a 'body fluid'? Now I wonder if his web can spin out of other orifices than... oh, never mind

Seriously, Peter Parker needs to buy the book "How to Win Friends and Influence People". Everybody he comes across either falls in love with him, or just plain hates him. The problem, in this movie, is that he doesn't truly fight for truth, justice and the American way. Leave that to Batman or Superman. He just fights those who get annoyed at him, pick on him for no reason whatsoever, and then decide to kill him.

After sitting thru Spiderman 3, frankly, I don't blame them.

In an "unpredictable plot twist", Mary Jane wants to dump Peter. No wonder!!! I mean, look at Parker!! He now lives in squalor inside an apartment he can barely walk thru. His life is spent glued to a shortwave radio, where he's listening to the police radio signal 24/7. He doesn't have a steady job, and as he approaches 30, still hasn't completed his college degree.

Much to the surprise of his neighbors, who must be blind, Spidey jumps out the window in full spidey costume IN BROAD DAYLIGHT no less. He does his shtick, then comes back to his lame life glued to the radio.  And he has the audacity to propose marraige to MJ? NO WONDER MJ goes after multi-million trust-fund-boy Harry Osborne the minute she realizes that things aren't well with Spidey! Wouldn't you?

I'll tell you what Spiderman needs: a manager. If he was making ANY money from the licensing of his image inside the fictional New York he lives in, he'd be making MILLIONS. Because every kid in NYC carries his effige in a costume, a pajama, a shirt, a balloon, etc. Then, I'm positve that he could be dating Mary Jane, Betty and Gwen Stacy; and NONE of them wouldn't ever complain about him being poh.

Parker should actually thank Venom, you know? Only after becoming host of the symbiote, he gets a steady job AND a promotion with double the salary, and also gets involved with Gwen Stacy (who happens to be a really hot model and the daughter of the Chief of Police). I don't see Parker resigning for his job and returning the money he was being paid, just to keep up his noble ideas about life and 'responsibility' there.

And don't get me started on the acting. Tobey Maguire:  somebody should tell him that staring at the camera like an idiot and fluttering his blue eyes is no excuse for acting. I can understand he wants screen time, but this is a SPIDERMAN movie, not a Peter Parker movie. Keep the mask on, man. The CGI version of Spiderman acts better than he does.

While we're at this, somebody should also tell Kirsten Dunst that screaming like a helpless victim shouldn't be done more than 2 or 3 times in a movie. Tops.  And that musical numbers in a superhero film should be illegal, period. Blame the writers for that one, I guess.

What else is missing from this movie? Aside from an intelligent plot and action scenes where Spidey doesn't get thrown around buildings and walls like the computer generated character he is? Spiderman's classic one-liners, for one thing. I thought that was the magic of Spiderman, you know? Being able to make fun of his enemies in the face of danger. Also absent is his patented "Spidey Sense", which never failed him in the previous films. It could've saved him from a couple of unnecessary poundings.

What did I enjoy? The "tag team battle" between Venom &  Sandman vs. Spiderman and Green Goblin Jr. But sadly, that was a case of "too little, too late" to save the movie in my opinion. I also enjoyed the McFarlanesque way that Venom's fluid moves around and takes over people. There's more than a vague reminder of McFarlane's style (and of his creation "Spawn") in that little effect. I think they owe good ol' Todd McFarlane a Happy Meal. Or a cameo.

And then you wonder two things, as you sit helplessly glued to the sticky floor of the theater: "What is THIS?". Followed by "HOW MUCH LONGER 'TILL IT ENDS?".  

In the words of Stan Lee, " 'Nuff said".

Did you see it? Care to comment?